Saturday, September 27, 2008

two years later, and no different

i'm publishing this again because it's one of my favorite posts ever. i keep trying to write something like this lately, but i keep coming back to this one...and it says everything i wanted to. i realize it's a little sad-sounding, and that's okay but unintended (at least for this year). i think i was generally more melancholy back then than i am now. anyways, here it is, just over two years after i first published it......

here are these midwestern fall-transition days again. you know....the ones that aren't quite autumn yet and only feel like fall in the evenings. but there are wisps of smoky, spicy fall air blowing around in the wind every so often. and part of you is stuck in what you love about summer, and's just time to move on.

to me, summer is so much of, simply, what i love about being alive. driving with my windows down and my sunglasses on is one of the greatest pleasures i have in life, and i don't mean that in a depressing way. no matter how the day is going, pulling out those aviators and cranking up some tunes and flying down Normal Avenue is about the highlight of my day. it embodies what i love about summer...which means "carefree" and warm and different every day and fun and laid-back. people aren't worried about school. you play volleyball and hang out late into the evenings because it's light outside. you worry less about responsibility and more about being alive and free because you only have a few summers of your life to feel like that.

but then those evenings get a little shorter, just to remind you that they're not there forever. then labor day comes, and football starts, and before you know it, school is back, and downtown is crawling with hoodie-clad students. and even if it hasn't gotten real chilly yet, you know the dead icy winter is inevitable. like any good parent, mother nature likes to give us a bit of warning before playtime is totally over.

then the evenings are dark at 7pm and you feel tired even when you have no reason to feel tired except that it's dark. then you leave places early because you have homework. then you realize...fall is here.

fall is melancholy for me. i'm sure part of it is all those fall colors...all the colors that mean emotion in my mind, like deep orange, goldenrod, and crimson. but i think one of the reasons i tend to get so pensive each fall season is because it makes me aware of time. time passing so tediously but so fast i can almost hear it. summer is when time stops and all is light and exciting. but fall means winter, and winter means another new year, which just makes me think about how i am 21 years old already, and why i still feel sixteen, and how i still have to accomplish so much, and how i feel like time is moving around me while i remain standing in the middle of a river, grabbing frantically at experiences and events as they surge by but wondering what i'm missing when my back's turned and knowing most things won't ever come along again.


At Monday, October 06, 2008 10:58:00 PM, Blogger NLWilliams sayeth thus:

Ah, Hero!
Haven't been by in a while.
So good to read this.
I can't say that I get it completely, b/c I don't agree...fall is my favorite...but you have written.
You have written.
It speaks!
You have such a gift.
Your words are blessed and powerful and lovely.
Thank you for this literary candy!
I believe we are kindred spirits...


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