can't live with 'em...

one of the things i hate most is not having control. especially of the way i think.

most things in my life are regulated to the extent that no small thing happens without my knowledge (before or after the fact). it's not that i'm not spontaneous or adventurous, because i am both. but there's just one little area that has my stomach in knots, my already-short nails bitten down to the skin, and my mind reeling with the apparently unfathomable answer to my situation.

it's those stupid boys.

what are you supposed to do when a boy who likes you asks you to a program-dinner, you say you can't go because even though it'd be a cool program, a) you have a sort-of prior commitment and b) you don't want to give the impression that you actually want to go to a nice dinner with him?

of course, he will think that i quickly found someone else to go with, so i could go without actually going with him...like a cruel can't-quite-catch-me game. but that's not at all what happened, even though i know that's what he will think happened. in reality i ended up finding an open seat with a co-worker. because i do want to go to the dinner, even though i couldn't care less about seeing him. so...i emailed him to let him know i'd be there after all. because wouldn't it seem pretty rude and or at least coquettish to just show up without telling him? or was that really stupid? should i have decided not go after all? *lets out a mournful wail* why do i have to let boys and our silly social constructs control my life and tell me where i can and can't go?

i just hate that, out of all the things you'd think would be easy for me to figure out, it's those boys -- oh you know, the ones that say they are so easy to figure out -- that get me second-guessing myself. if they'd just be normal, i wouldn't have any problems with them. i mean why can't there only be one guy to ever be interested, and that be the Right Guy? 'cause there's no way i'd ever date this character, but i'd like to be his friend.

but that's not happening either. in my experience at least, boys always ruin good things (like , hmm, friendships) when they try to get all debonair on you.

i know this is all so petty. and it will probably seem more like that to me in a week or so. but it's just really frustrating right now...because i'm fed up with boys.