Halfway between Beanies and Business Suits

If a stranger could see a few random snapshots of my life right now, he or she would probably be confused at the strange hybrid that is me. The stranger would see either a) an insecure, naive youth who goes to school for its social aspect and is currently playing Grown-up in her sleek, expensive business suit and full-time job; or b) an intellectual, professional, confident classical-music fan who, on evenings and weekends, reverts to adolescent angst, punk rock music, and a steady diet of Corn Pops (from the box she keeps in her car) one meal per day to balance the scandalous price of fast food burritos.

So which one of these is me? In the true "halfway" spirit, I've decided that I haven't decided; although, while my options are both extremes, I think most people would choose B as a more accurate caricature. But, in a way, they're both true to reality. My mature side flees at the pulsing energy of a rock concert, being no match for my uncontrollable love for "headbanging" with a crowd of strangers. In the same and opposite way, I could easily trade my baggy pants and beanie for a crisp, collared shirt and heels, somewhat tame my long kinky hair with a few strategically placed clips, and carry out my duties at work or debate a political issue like a lawyer...while, all along, somehow feeling nearly the same esprit that I would at a strobe light-filled concert.

Somehow I've managed to assemble two very real but very different ways of life into one.

I sometimes think that finishing high school a year earlier than my peers deprived me of a single, precious year of rosy-cheeked idealism. Most "real" adults tell me my sooner-than-thou graduation was a wonderfully stragetic, mature move on my part which (ostensibly) allowed me to "get on with my real life" a year ahead of everyone else's game. And it undeniably has. But I also "dropped out" of college, two years before graduating, and moved on to "adulthood," a.k.a. a full time job paired with monthly bills. Granted, I am planning to go back to school...and it's only been nine months or so since I finished up at the community college. But while I enjoy my workplace and its promising environment, I can't shake the nagging suspicion that I've simply injected a strong dose of Business Suit Life into my Baggy Clothes Years, forever tainting this cherished but fleeting "carefree" period I've been allotted. What about the college life: living with friends, parties, all-night study sessions, and competing for the highest grade in the class? :) I know the college years are supposed to be the means towards an end, but our culture lauds them as a necessary and even critical period of life. Although this perception is almost certainly deeply flawed, and although I'm obviously sugarcoating collegiate life, it's hard to really "get on with my life" when I'm halfway convinced there's something precious I'm leaving behind. (It's harder still that nearly all of my peers are content with their part-time jobs and full-time classwork, well on their way to a Bachelor's degree.) I suspect (or realize), though, since I can't un-learn everything the Real World has taught me, that living two more years of the ultimate college life -- ultimately characterized by self-absorption and immaturity-- would disgust me all the more with its selfishness, and send me quickly merging back onto the highway towards adulthood.

Regardless of this vague conviction, the fact that I haven't finished college seems to have, in a vein quite similar to that described above, simply tainted this otherwise enjoyable Business Suit Life into an era of longing and wondering what might have been different. The paradox is, then: has my Business Suit Time altered my Beanie Years simply by interrupting them, or did my rapid exit from high school and more recent college "dropout" change my Business Suit Time?

Actually, here's the surprise: I can't see how it would matter in the least. It's just fun to write about. (Aren't you glad you're reading?) In any case, there are still more ways to look at this...and these are the wiser perspectives, although that doesn't make them any easier to accept. "Look," my little Practicality angel (or is it a demon?) says from his perch on my shoulder. "You're saving a lot of money this way, and if you didn't work, you probably wouldn't finish college for a long time." Whatever, annoying little voice. I know you're right, but you irritate me. Then I hear another louder voice -- not from my other shoulder, but perhaps from the Lord: "This is where I've put you, where you're supposed to be right now. I know you love school and you love life, but don't ever feel regrets for something I never planned for you." Pardon my facetiousness; I'm not trying to give God a script. But my relationship with God is really where my regrets end, and my forward-looking begins. Whatever I do and however I end up succeeding, I want it to be a reflection of God's glory, and not of my own motivation or intellect.

So for now, while I'm still figuring all this out, just don't laugh too hard when you see me driving to work eating Corn Pops, listening to MxPx and Josh Groban, and wearing a pinstriped business suit with my favorite blue-and-orange beanie. :)